Film Review: The Avengers


“Brace yourselves…our paychecks are coming.”

EDIT: If you want to see someone take a swing at this movie, The Editing Room has a good go at it. Funny, but a bit pedantic. They’re, like, SOOOO mean. As if you’d be mean and make fun of things people like. Rude.

I hate myself. I just hate everything, and now I hate myself.

I was so set on disliking this movie. I was so sure that not only the cramming of all these franchises together, but the helming of uber hipster Joss Whedon would give me free reign to shit all over this. But goddammit…it beat me. This movie is amazing.

TL;DR The Avengers is just a ridiculously, incredibly, astonishingly, enjoyable action movie. Even its flaws, which are tiny, are covered. 5 out of 5 stars.

First of all, I’m not calling it “Marvel’s The Avengers”. I know that’s what they want us to call it, but fuck off. Nobody is calling it that. No.

I feel better now.

So this thing is unstoppable. Outstanding reviews for an action movie, and a box office that won’t quit. The only reason it took me this long to see it was because I’m (obviously) forever alone and had to work up the courage and blood alcohol content to go see it by myself (well, actually it was with two friends. I, too, was shocked to discover I have friends). Either way, the point is, I finally got it done.

And it was just perfect. Just. Perfect. I could go on at length about why it was so breathtaking, but, like Roger from American Dad, it would kill me.

The only niggle I had tugging at my ass-hairs was Loki. His motivation wasn’t enough for me. I kinda felt bad for him in Thor, but his poor little rich boy act is wearing thin. Shut the fuck up and get over it. You’re a handsome, fit, intelligent prince of Asgard, and you’re half frost giant. Bro, you shouldn’t be complaining. Stop trying to destroy planets because daddy doesn’t love you. I know from the credits scene and a scene early on that there is a man behind the curtain, but it’s not good enough to say it’ll get resolved in the next movie. I didn’t buy it.

Why I hate this movie:

I really don’t, but I’d hate to betray my proud contrarian tradition.

Loki is a little bitch.

It’s too long. Every action movie has to be over 2 goddamn hours these days. Stop it.

Black Widow and Hawkeye, while holding their own, don’t make sense next to Iron Man, Thor, The Hulk and Captain America. The film mostly tries to distract from this, but the scene of them back-to-back really made me realise “oh, it’s just a chick with a gun and a guy with a bow.”

Reasons to watch:


Even my bitchy asides were mercilessly choked out of me by the complete exhilaration this movie provides. It is everything it should have and could have been. It is the action movie to measure all action movies now. Hard act to follow, Spiderman.


Although the bile is rising in my throat, I can’t fault this. I expected a big, dumb action movie. And this is the biggest, dumbest action movie you’re gonna get (and not even that dumb). 5 out of 5 stars. Also…

Avengers Thor Captain America in love

I would kill for just one frame of that deleted love scene.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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