Film Review: Melancholia
Kirsten Dunst gets the joke. Doesn’t care for it.
Yeah, its a Lars Von Trier film.
To put on my hipster glasses (I say glasses, but I really just mean those 3D glasses you get from the movies. I popped the lenses out and Sharpie’d over the logo. Stylin’) for a moment, I actually really enjoyed Dogville. The whole “it’s on a stage” idea was simple and used subtly. Nicole Kidman wasn’t a barrel of crap like she usually is. Was quite good.
I fucking loathe Antichrist, though. Sure, watching a chick snip out her clit was pretty hot, but I could have done without the 2 hours of prenentiousness that surrounded it.
Melancholia seems to be trying to find a balance.
Film Review: Underworld: Awakening
Kate Beckinsale does her Beyonce impression while quietly suffocating.
I’m not really a fan of this series, nor a hater. Fuck, next to Twilight, I’ll give points to any vampire series that doesn’t completely fucking suck harder than a Hoover in a black hole in Paris Hilton’s mouth.
That’s not to say I’ll go easy.
Film Review: The Darkest Hour
Why do only pretty, young people get involved in end-of-the-world hijinks?
The first thing I saw when I started watching this movie was the Summit logo. For those of you who don’t pay attention to the logos at the start of movies, Summit also does the Twilight movies. My expectations dropped, bro.
What I got, though, was a stupid piece of shit, but one that I could at least tolerate through to the end. Without Facebooking out of boredom.
Film Review: A Lonely Place to Die
Melissa George embraces her inner dendrophile.
I went into this movie with low expectations. It looked like an average, B-grade piece of shit. I only went through with it because Melissa George is hot, and Triangle wasn’t too bad.
I got more than I thought, though. I can grudgingly say that I didn’t totally hate this.
Film Review: Men in Black 3
Will Smith regrets his parental decisions.
NOTE: Don’t get butthurt that I’m a butthead. Read the About and Review Format pages. I’m not a monster, I’m an alien. An illegal alien. Seriously, don’t tell Immigration.
To be completely honest, I forgot this movie was even a thing until my friends (I know, can you believe it?) suggested going to see it. Men in Black 3? Really? Because the second one was so good, and recent too. Topical!
Considering its pedigree, I think this could have been much worse.
TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 2
Homoerotic subtext: the cornerstone of all great stories.
After much soul searching (I didn’t find anything?) I have decided to commit to Once Upon a Time. If for no reason other than to watch it be obvious.
I’m 2 episodes in now, and it’s gonna be a battle to stay awake, let alone interested.
TV Review: Glee Season 3 Episode 22
I’m fucking framing this shit.
Was I ever going to have anything but hatred for this episode? No.
Was I surprised to see Glee actually do something right for once? Yes.
Film Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Daniel Craig has an in with the marketing department.
I CBF’d the Swedish film trilogy of these, and didn’t read the books. Because I’m a lazy douche-tard who can’t commit to a book that’s going to take 50,000 hours to read on the chance I won’t like it (which, let’s be honest, is probable).
Unfortunately for me, this behemoth of a film takes about as long to watch.
